Is your Lavender Done Blooming?
I don’t think so
I planted it as a child
I lulled myself to sleep with visions of me
on The Tonight Show with Johnny Carson.
Decades later,
in my waking life,
it happens!
I’m on The Tonight Show!
Carson is out
Leno is in.
(It’ll have to do.)
Jay wants me to spend my time talking about a boy
a rock star I’m dating
I’m young but not too young to know that this moment may never come again
So I’m taking it for me
Not for a boy
So I refuse
So I instead,
talk about my mom,
letters from prison
and my feet.
So many letters from prison. In perfect penmanship. About my feet.
All I ever wanted was my own TV show and a dog. In the late 90s, I got both. I told E Entertainment that’s all I want and it might still be true.
No, who am I kidding/I want much more now.
But yes the dog, always the dog.
Having dreams come true made me feel extra generous so why not give the fans what they want? It was my idea for a shoeless show - for the feet fanciers of the world. After that episode airs,
the letters really start coming in.
I didn’t keep these letters from prison so before going on Leno, so I rewrite one from memory; in my impossibly sloppy penmanship, I write a fake letter from prison to myself, and I read it to Jay on The Tonight Show
Leno snatches it from my hand as soon as I’m done, “ Let me see that,” he holds it up to the camera, “Look at this crazy writing. you can tell it’s from prison.”
Smoke fills my brain fog of angels in the mirror, and I/it all unfolds before my very eyes…
Hollywood legend Ralph Edwards gives me the thumbs up, he’s so proud. I’m everybody’s daughter, sister, and sharp-tongued gal. I’ve always loved television and I don’t regret a single rerun watched, and I’m ready when I become the one to be watched.
The moonless sound stage begins to flicker, and the color fades from everyone and everything; the glitter is gone off of Leno’s face - he’s only a sepia man now, oblivious to the change. I must have willed Old Hollywood to come to me because it’s The Colgate Hour and canned laughter fills the air.
I Henny Youngman my way to the edge of the stage, and I reach out my arms to hug the crowd. My right arm turns into a microphone, circa 1946, and my left arm turns into an antenna so I can come in clearly. so I speak into my right arm,
I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places. HAHAHAH!!!!!
But the audience doesn’t laugh. They are frozen. I adjust my left arm to see if it’s me causing the bad reception - but no, they are all still frozen. I look back at Leno and I guess when I wasn’t looking, his head became a hubcap.
Someone somewhere musta opened a can, ‘cause the laughter is a crackling thunderstorm and I like it at first but then it won’t stop and it keeps getting louder.
The applause sign is blinking so fast I think I might blow a fuse.
I can feel it in my chest, that feeling - I’m on stage, and everything is as it should be - no one knows me but everyone loves me in a chaotic distant way and I can’t hear myself think but maybe it’s for the best - all my dreams are coming true - if I’m sleeping, let me be, if I’m awake I’ll take off my shoes
these are my feet,
this is my lousy handwriting,
this is my moment
this could be too much
this could be not enough
God, I hope it never ends.
Extra Content:
Below is a sneak peak at the movie I'm co-starring in.
Coming soon, sometime in late 2024.
An unemployed man with too much time on his hands teams up with his no-nonsense ex-girlfriend to make a true crime documentary about his fiancé's twenty-year-old kidnapping. Everyone is a suspect, including him.
Director
John Weiner
Writer
John Weiner
Stars
Annie Wood - John Weiner - Toby Huss
Is Your Lavender Done Blooming?