Unsend

Maybe things would have been different had I never sent that letter

Our first conversation was me telling you that you are an idiot for not wearing a helmet when you ride. I won’t sign your petition. We become friends anyway. I marry the bartender from the improv, and you tell me that I’m too young to marry. You’re right. But I had/have a habit of not listening to anyone.

So I do get married. We stay friends anyway.

Throughout my 20s and most of my 30s, you’re there.

Always there.

actors life - theatre companies - rehearsals - parties - late dinners at Figaro’s - the big table - the cooked spinach - that bread

i get my own TV show

i’m employed!

i hire you as my assistant

you’re employed!

we travel everywhere

radio shows and local tv, nice hotels, stretch limos,

vodka and orange juice, nachos for dinner

we stay up all night when they send us to France

so we don’t miss a thing

we walk the streets of Cannes at 3:00 am until we find a secret bar someone told us about

we knock three times

say something in French

they open the door

smoke fills the room with drag queens and lounge music, and i think we traveled to another time, and i’m in heaven

we drink too much booze

we drink too much espresso

i can’t stop shaking at the airport the following day

i vow never to drink again

(espresso, that is)

back in Hollywood

long rides on your motorcycle up and down PCH

santa barbara

chicken pox

just friends

margaritas

our summer of love

back to just friends

stoned laughter till we cry

poison ivy

alanis morissette

toaster oven pizza

my west hollywood condo

Addie

curt’s house/your bestie/my 2^nd husband/it’s complicated/but it doesn’t feel like it is

it feels easy, breezy, sunday morning

rock ’n roll

the music

so.much.music.

you tell me the line in that Joe Walsh song reminds you of me,

“everything all the time.”

i say it’s a line from a different Joe Walsh song that reminds me of me,

“it’s hard to leave when you can’t find the door.”

we think we’re meant to be, but not in that way

(you need convincing at first but eventually agree)

we’re meant to be friends

the best of friends

until…

unsend, unsend, unsend   

things change…

unsend, unsend, unsend    

there’s a rift between you and your bestie/my then-husband

i try to pretend it away - if i ignore it - we can go back to how it was

but you’re mad, with good reason, (i think?)

i defend my husband, with bad reason (i think?)

i write a letter to you

a letter written in anger

unsend, unsend, unsend

a letter not meant to be sent

unsend, unsend, unsend   

a letter not meant to be read

unsend, unsend, unsend   

i send it

you read it

it kills us

for years i try to make amends, to no end

i keep trying

when our friend carl dies, i think that will bring us back, we can grieve together - you’re not ready - i say i understand

but i don’t

can’t i make you ready?

decades pass in the blink of an eye

maybe one day, i keep telling myself

yesterday

i found your obituary online

you lived in a state that isn’t mine

you were sick for a long time

i knew nothing of the life you made

so that’s that, i suppose

so that’s how this story ends

so now i let go of maybe one day

so now i let go of my regret

so now, i

    let

       go

         of

              you

i can’t even remember what i wrote

but this one i’ll remember

my last letter to you,

thank you. i love you. i’m sorry.

send, send, send

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