Notes to My Younger Self

A bit of calm won’t kill ya

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Photo provided by author. Good times! (at least I think they were. I can’t remember.)

Wild thing… You make my heart sing. You make everything… gah-roovy.

-The Troggs

I wanted to make everyone’s heart sing.

I wanted to make everything gah-roovy.

I was a wild child. Well, no, not as a child exactly, as a twenty-something and for some time after that. I had serial relationships and some open relationships (where my partners remained closed — not ideal for anyone.) I wasn’t always honest. I was mostly about having a good time while, at the same time, being intensely, romantically in love with my soulmate du jour.

I was a flower child in the wrong era.

A free-love-loving-hyperactive-romantic.

I was often called “too much,” and I was quick to bail on others when things got less thrilling. I always looked for the next best thing and couldn’t sit still if my life depended on it. All of this made me feel like I was all revved up with no place to go.

A Jack Russel Terrier spinning top in perpetual motion.

It was exhausting.

Looking back, I see now that I could (should) have been less abrupt with others, and I could (should) have been kinder. Because my self-indulgent fun addiction was often reckless, I didn’t always play nicely with other people’s hearts. I’d like to teach my younger self a lesson or two.

But I’m not going to scold or berate her; I love her too much to try and shame her. I just want her to know it’s okay to stay in one place for a bit and take a breath or two. The world is not going to take off without her. She can be both fun and chill at the same time; it’s not binary.

Here are the two things I’d like to share with younger me. (You know, in case she exists in a parallel universe or something.)

1. Embrace your solo time

Throughout my twenties, I was on a constant relationship ride, pausing briefly after one ended, but only so I could switch roller coasters.

Oh, how I loved me some coupledom!

Take solo time as an opportunity to get to know yourself better. And if you are in a relationship, things don’t need to be so intense googoo gaga 100% of the time. Do something on your own sometimes. Then come back home and tell your partner all about it. Creating space for yourself is giving you both the gift of inner freedom.

Like Kahlil Gibran says,

“Let there be spaces in your togetherness, And let the winds of the heavens dance between you.”

I tell ya, that dude knows his stuff.

2. Party less, remember more

Maybe for you, it’s not partying. Maybe it’s eating, tweeting, texting, or Netflix binging. Whatever the impulse for more is, see if you can hit the pause button and look up. Take some time to be fully aware and present with those around you. Not just because it’s healthier and saner but also because if you really pay attention to this moment you’ll be less likely in the future to forget about these good old days.

Luckily, I have my friend Mikul to remind me about my 1990s shenanigans. But, you might not have a Mikul, so just to be safe, maybe ease up on the excess.

When I was younger I had some accidental mindfulness. I had a natural overall sense of wonder and appreciation for life, love, nature, and art. But I also remember getting caught up in a whirlwind of doing, running, getting, over-thinking and zoning-out.

For the past few years meditation has been a part of my daily life. A habit that’s as necessary to me as brushing my teeth. Back in the day, if the benefits weren’t clear and immediate, I couldn’t appreciate it. But I now know that the benefits of learning to rule my own mind through meditation is a powerful tool. It’s helped me not only find some inner peace and calm, it’s also taught me how to interact with others better. I pause throughout my day and become more of a responder than a reactor to whatever life throws at me.

It’s not always easy. I’m not always successful, but at least I have some tools in my toolbox. These meditation tools have given me the ability to rule my mind, to be in charge of my responses, and to be at the helm of my ship.

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I would tell my younger self all of the above, but she probably wouldn’t be able to hear me over the Counting Crows CD. Even if she could, she probably wouldn’t listen. That’s okay though, because maybe twenty years from now, I won’t have to go through all of this again.

Because maybe she’s listening now.