Creative Whiplash
Why I jump, jump, jump around
Since my ADHD diagnosis a few years back, I’ve been trying to make peace with the way my brain is and always has been. The way it wants what it wants. 🧠
One of those wants: Change. Constant. I didn’t know novelty-seeking was an ADHD thing. I thought I was a creative weirdo who despised rules, resisted routine, and had zero interest in doing what the crowd was doing, just… because. 🤷🏼♀️
Even when I like a thing—a project, a practice, a new art form—I still feel the need to jump ship quickly. Onto the next passing ship.
Hey! Where’s THAT one going?
Still, I’ve stuck with my need to create my entire life. The type of creativity…that changes like the weather in my head. One minute there’s a warm breeze, the next minute thunder and lightning. One minute I’m riding a wave like a deliriously happy pro surfer—Yes! THIS is my life now! The next minute, I’ve flung myself off the board screaming, I’m a deep-sea diver now! WEEEEEE!
It’s fun(ish). And exhausting(very).
Lately, I’ve been thinking about something my late friend Anne Beatts said to me several years ago. Anne was an Emmy Award–winning comedy writer (SNL, Square Pegs, National Lampoon) and a fierce, funny human. We met decades ago when I was writing and performing sketch comedy in a show she directed. We celebrated holidays and birthdays together for years, and I never missed an opportunity to hold her Emmy whenever I came over. You know, osmosis vibes and all that.
Anne came to one of my solo art exhibits about a year before she passed. She looked around at my Dada-inspired collages, huge textured abstracts, black and white photography, decoupaged mannequins, drawings, clay figures—the whole mad mix. I asked her if she liked the art. She said,
“Yeah, but have you ever thought about… finding… a style?”
Have I ever thought about finding a style?
Have I ever thought about choosing a lane?
Have I ever thought about being one flavor and not the entire sundae bar?
Have I ever thought about not being a walking variety show?
Have I ever thought about not being a piñata of passions?
Have I ever thought about not being Jumangi?
Yeah. I have thought about it. I have thought about it many, many, many times. And that’s where it remains — in the land of thought.
Because I simply CAN. NOT. DO. IT.
And I do still wrestle with this thought:
If I could just focus on one thing, would I be more successful?
I always wanted to be somebody. I should have been more specific.
- Lily Tomlin
What if I just wrote novels and not screenplays? Just fiction and not memoir? Just plays and not poetry? Just drew faces, just painted trees, just focused on my acting, just voice-overs, just, just, just…
Sure, lots of artists splash around in different mediums and writers dip their quills in different corners of the literary ocean—but I seem to be more of a hyperactive dolphin, zig-zagging through every current, leaping out of genre, doing backflips into hybrid forms, then popping up like, “Was that a short story or a rock opera?” I don’t even know. Will you read it, buy it, see it, anyway?
When someone at a party asks what I do for a living, my answer is such a long (albeit enthusiastic) ramble that they forget what the question was. My business card is a novella.
So I wonder…would all the energy I spread across twelve creative endeavors finally hit the target if I picked a single bullseye?
Maybe.
But also—maybe not.
I’ve started asking myself different questions.
Does this thing I’m doing right now, this art I’m making, these words I’m writing, dance I’m dancing, film I’m filming… does it make me feel something?
Do I feel lit up?
Does it matter to me?
Does it move me? Does it magic me? Does it moonpie me?
If you’re someone who’s ever asked yourself if you’re doing it all wrong, maybe try asking something else.
Like…
Does this thing I’m doing… feel like me?
If I ask myself that and the answer is yes… I keep going.
And when I keep going, I notice something:
When I keep going, an art “style” peeks through.
When I keep going, a preference makes itself known.
When I keep going, I can see myself.
Maybe my work will never be one thing.
But I know what it will be…
It’ll be my thing.
And you know what?
I’m going to go ahead and let that be enough.
If you’d like to see more of my work, feel free to visit my site here.
Coming later this week: A new She Made That🖌️